At the moment I am really in a low point, just when you think its all clear then boom, infertility hits you again right between the eyes.

It started with going to the Christening on the weekend for good friends, Mrs C has even thanked me for her getting pregnant with her husbands baby as they were originally going to use donor until I pushed them along to find out about testicular biopsy, but somewhere in that Christening I couldn’t take my eyes off that baby. How remarkable that they have a baby that has both their genes when it could have easily been only her gene and a donor. I wish with all my heart that was US. It makes me realise no matter how much you think your over it and moved to the next chapter, something pulls you back.

Then this morning I received an email from a friend I had meet on-line at a forum where we were all trying to get pregnant. She it appeared had such bad quality eggs that IVF just won’t even work for her. Getting donor eggs in this country is really hard but she continued to try this. I had a voice mail from her only a week ago or so to advise she was on her way to Brisbane, she is from South Australia to see about an egg donor. Today I received an email to advise she is officially pregnant. This is the kicker. My first thought wasn’t joy. I thought that she along with me would never feel the joy of motherhood and now here I am the only one! I wasn’t meant to be alone, why is this happening to me, I should be over joyed that someone that I helped with advice has finally had her dream come true, but I’m not because that means its only me who won’t that won’t have that dream fulfilled.

I feel bad that I feel this way but I really can’t stand it in my head anymore. I really want to the feel that sensation of a baby move, even the morning sickness, people say oh once you adopt and have that baby in your arms, you’ll forget all about it, but you know I don’t know if I ever will.